Weekend Summary, With a Purpose

Lucky for I-don’t-know-who, I have decided to take my somewhat frequent tendency to be unable to fall asleep, and use it as a tool.  So, instead of every night going to bed, being unable to fall asleep, and waking up and watching whatever randomness is on TV — I’m going to blog, for at least some of the times.

We had a pretty great weekend.  Friday, LarBear and I had dinner with QoB and her boyfriend, and I finished reading another book after we came home.

On Saturday, I went with my dad to help babysit my nephew, Oscar, while my sister and brother-in-law worked on the house they are fixing up.  I had the chance to see the huge guest room that they are converting (along with everything else…this was a total strip-it-gut-it-change-it job) where LarBear and I will be able to stay when we come visit.  It has huge windows, and it’s own bathroom and fireplace.  Oh!  And a balcony.  It is a super-cool and interesting old house, and they have done almost all the work themselves.  Very impressive, I think it would probably be called a mini-mansion.  🙂

Today, LarBear and I have been mostly relaxing and hanging out.  We slept in (which we never, ever do) and took a drive in the country to see the changing colors.  It seems that a lot of the leaves are already on the ground, but it was beautiful anyway and that is one of our favorite things to do together.  We finished up the evening with cheeseburgers for dinner, and LarBear watching football on the TV while I read on the Kindle.  It was really an altogether great day, and weekend.

Tomorrow, we are venturing about two hours east to visit LarBear’s grandpa, Mickey, and then we will swing through and see my sister and Oscar on our way back home.  It should be an interesting trip because we haven’t been to see Mickey in a couple months because he has been in and out of the hospital.  I am hoping that he will be home and we can have a good visit.  For LarBear’s sake, I’m fine with staying as long as he likes.

The reason I am blogging about things as mundane as what the weekend events were, is that I want to be able to look back and remember good times, calm times when my brain wasn’t fighting me, for the times when I do slip off the deep end.  Because at least I know, it’s not if, its a matter of when.  Sometimes once you have radically accepted that you are always going to live with your illness, it makes it easier to handle.  Or, it has for me, at least.

 

Evil Squirrel’s Blaze (she’s a’ caroling!)

Do please come in and meet Blaze, my Christmas prize from Evil Squirrel’s Holiday Cards in which several around the blogosphere received hand-drawn pictures of his characters.  Totally appropriate that I get Blaze, considering the pink and red of her outfit, and the fact that she is caroling whereas I sing in the shower, the car, and anywhere else I think I can get away with it.  Go check out Evil. Squirrel’s page RIGHT NOW and you will not be disappointed.  There is always something every day to make you laugh!

My Take on Batman at Christmastime

It seems it has been a wildly successful Nano Poblano (or NaBloPoMo) 2014 for many of my blog friends, and I am happy about that.  I had joined up but only ended up cranking out a handful of posts due to complications, mostly with brain fog and inability to concentrate, some writer’s block.  November was not my month, but 2014 has somewhat been crap for me all together.  It makes me sad that I didn’t participate more, but I apparently didn’t have it in me.  Still am feeling pretty rough, really, but I was tagged in a blog hop a few (possibly several?) days ago by a good friend, and I wanted to put that to bed before Nano Poblano ended.

Sheena from Not A Punk Rocker tagged me in the Holiday Blog Hop, wherein the tagee answers questions about the tagger’s favorite holiday of the moment.  For anyone who reads NAPR even semi-regularly, it should come as no surprise that I will be answering questions about none other than:

BATMAN DAY

1) Have you seen all of the Batman movies?  Which is your favorite movie and why?  Which actor is your favorite Batman, is it the same as the one in your favorite movie?

I am pretty sure my favorite Batman movie was the one I saw today with Hugh Grant.  Since I don’t know much about Batman, I decided to do a little research on Netflix and was very excited that there was a Batman Christmas/Romance featuring all Brits.  Very exciting!  There were many comic book characters in the movie, but they were all in their human roles.  Apparently no one is wiser than me, picking up on this.  I’ll point out a few of my favorites below:

This aging crooner is obviously Flash, you know, the guy with the lightning bolt? Same hair, same complexion.

 

 

Martha Stewart obvs….I mean, everyone KNOWS she started from a comic book, right?

AND FINALLY…

BATMAN

(no explanation needed)

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My apologies to all Batman-fans out there.  You’re right…I watched “Love Actually” (my almost favorite Christmas movie) instead of watching Batman, Green Lantern, and trying to figure out who the Wayne family consists of.  I’ve done about all I can do to make a little spoof… it is silly that I know so very little about a topic that is so easily accessible.

Any tips on learning more about these masked men will be taken into consideration, i.e. movie recommendations welcome.  🙂

 

Those Who Suffer Around Us

I have really been rolling around in the muck, feeling all sorts of sorry for myself. I can and anyone could  easily get caught up in the stifling desperation, lose all sense of reality and what is real and fair in the world.  Simple enough, you can be oblivious to the world around you, and the people in it — some who are going through their own private hell right now.

Depression makes you appear selfish to others.  It keeps you from loving fully, pass by quickly you whisper to loved and strangers alike as it can render you unable to speak or to even be in the presence of others..  Your ability to naturally happen upon the feeling of compassion for others is nonexistent, thanks to the fact that you just do not see those people.  They are standing there, but if you are depressed enough you can sit or stand or lie very still, and you will not glimpse even a shadow of the people quietly (and at times desperately) living their lives around you.

When you are deep, sunk into depression, you are not as helpful to others; in fact, making contact can be like creating a physical wound, sometimes shallow and able to be ignored, and other times the contact makes your heart stop.  And start.  And stop.  And start.

My mom and stepdad are in the middle of a divorce now.  I have moved past the stage of trying to fix it, to trying not to internalize all of the muck.  My mom and stepdad, especially my stepdad, are the ones I think of when I wrote the above.  So many emotions, most very strong, a whirlwind that can secret you away if you don’t pay close enough attention.

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I spent today with QoB and it was nice.  She cooked and I played Dee-jay  and she danced around the kitchen just like it was old times.  We talked about many different things and I spent a lot of time being silent, as did she.  We have always been like that, since forever and a day, able to sit near each other for long periods of time in comfortable silence.

 

A State Called Home

Clouds and sunset near Hoyt, Kansas.  Photo credit goes to an old high school pal who just left the Navy and moved (with wife and several kids) from California back home to Kansas, to give his kids the childhood he had.  James has traveled all over the world, by himself and with his family, doing the Navy thing proud, making me proud to know him, to see through the computer and talks with his mom just how much he has improved his life.  All the places he has lived, seen, experienced — he told all of Facebook the other day, that there is no place better than Kansas to live.  This is home.  Probably a lot of us feel like there is one place on Earth that has the memories, the beauty, the magic and love to be considered home base.  I’m with James — born and raised, Kansas proud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Tentatively) Bouncing Back

As I was searching GoogleImages for photos for this post, I was struck by just how popular the idea of the “bounceback” is.  It applies to people, places, sports teams, jobs, the economy, relationships, and just life in general.  I wrote the title “(Tentatively) Bouncing Back” before I started searching for “bouncing back” photos, and now am left wondering if I should have chose something else.

But that’s what this is, in the life of Rosa right now.  I’m bouncing back, and I say I’m bouncing back tentatively, because not so long ago (say, maybe a week), I was in the throes of despair.  That’s how it can be with bipolar disorder, so I have to be very careful that these extremely good moods I am having are not just an upswing.  So, I’m tentative.

I do feel myself, the real me, the un-sick me, coming back to life.  After a psychiatric hospitalization and then over six weeks of dealing with very poor physical and mental health, I am starting to feel like “me” again.  Like Rosa has returned to the building, if you will.

Over the past week, I have been getting out more, doing things with family, doing more around my house, just moving around more.  I started back to work on Tuesday.  I thought I would never catch everything up and it would be a huge mess for all eternity, but after flailing on Tuesday, I managed to get everything up to snuff by end of day today.  So see, Rosa?  Not that bad.

I went to the grocery store for the first time in over six weeks today.  I am almost phobic of going grocery shopping, but I went to my cute little IGA in the bad part of town and managed to get everything on my list while staying within my budget.  It was such a good feeling…no, an amazing feeling.  Like I had just kicked that grocery store’s ass and taken it’s name.

I know, in my brain, what I need to do to feel good.  All those things on my Building Rome’s goal lists — I need to do those.  And I need to do the day to day stuff, make sure I get out enough, make sure my house is taken care of, make sure I am taken care of.

It’s a lot easier to have better mental health when you don’t feel sick all of the time.  I have figured out what I can and can’t eat to make myself sick.  I have some tricks to feeling better mentally, and I have been putting them to use.  I think one of the main things that has been  helping me lately is good ol’ DBT.

One of the skills, “one-mindfully in the moment” encourages you to approach something head-on, with full concentration.  It can be anything from doing the dishes to playing with your dog to singing in the shower.  You put all of your attention on that one thing, and I swear, you enter an almost-Zen state or, it’s a lot like (almost exactly like)  “being in the zone,” if that makes more sense.  If you do enough one-mindfully in the moment, you will find that you are also more mindful in general during the day.  Living in the moment is the only way to go.

So I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing over this past week; doing those things that are making me feel good and feel happy.  That’s right — Rosa is happy.  She’s bouncing back.

A Few Tidbits and The About Page

I’m gonna pull a well-known blogger trick, when not feeling like you can coherently put information into paragraphs, and do a list post.  I apologize in advance if you are not a fan.

1) Today was Day Two back at work and things are going great.  When I went in on Tuesday, I was quite dismayed that the front end of the store looked like a tornado  had gone through it.  This is what happens when there is no one there to do the admin/clerical side of the job.

I didn’t get a lot accomplished on Tuesday, but after today, with the exception of some filing, everything is straightened up, put in it’s place and the other employees were even voicing their appreciation.  It’s nice to be loved.  🙂

2) Green Embers totally revamped his “About” page today.  I was both jealous and inspired and encouraged, so I added a “100 Things About Me” page, almost on a dare.  It is nowhere near as pretty as his is, but I think you’ll find it entertaining.

3) I am starting to get back into a schedule and it is soooo nice to feel like things are somewhat predictable again.  I can feel my mental health evening out, the sadness somewhat leaving, the loneliness fading.  That’s after two days.

4) I’ll admit, today was a really good day.  Besides work, I had a nice chat with someone I care a lot about and was able to talk about some things that I don’t often have the ability to.  I just felt like we really connected and it was a good feeling.

So go check out those “About” pages…they’re a little on the long side, so I’m going to keep it short here.

Those are my tidbits…anything cool happen to you today?

A Reminder to Put Pants on Every Morning

I have a very dear Uncle, Uncle G, and it is only through medical miracles and (perhaps) prayers sent around the world that he is here with us today.  He is the Big Dawg’s brother, and they share red curly hair, freckles, and a love for the outdoors

Perhaps roughly two years ago, Uncle G was in the midst of getting a divorce.  It was a good thing for him, truly was.  One weekend morning, he hopped on his motorcycle and sped away to the local grocery store, because he was having people over and he was out of toilet  paper.  While on his journey, he was sideswiped by a truck.  He was life-flighted to KU Med, which is where anyone goes when anything really serious happens, in Kansas City, about an hour away.

We didn’t know for quite awhile if Uncle G was going to make it, and then when it became clear that he WAS going to live, we were very unsure that we would get back the same Uncle G that had been literally scraped off the road just weeks before.

My sister, a physical therapist, living in the same town, went and spent time with Uncle G nearly every day.  She read his medical reports, kept family updated, and just spent time with Uncle G.  She was a true blessing for him and for family, for us, to keep us updated.

Time went on and there were many different complications.  More surgeries, more IV’s, more antibiotics.  The guy couldn’t catch a break.  Even after leaving the hospital, he had to be rehospitalized at least once, that I know of.

But little by little, Uncle G was coming back.  And he did it with the most positive attitude I have ever seen in a person, and I mean ever.  Prior to his accident, he was always extremely positive and seemed like a happy person.  This accident didn’t take it away from him.

Today I was home alone, feeling bad for myself, having slept half my day away because I was up half the night, thinking I might as well just go back to bed instead of facing the intolerable loneliness I often feel these days.  Angry at myself for screwing up my psych meds for far too long, angry that the doctors just can’t figure out what is wrong, angry that I still don’t feel good.  Just angry.  Lonely and angry.

And then my favorite Uncle G called.  He wanted to stop by and visit.  He’d be here in five minutes.  The depressed part of  my brain screamed out, “Nooooo!  Your house is a mess and your hair isn’t washed.  Just put him off!”  So, that’s what I did.  Immediately after hanging up the phone, I had a revelation.  Uncle G would SO understand what I am going through.  So, I called him back and asked him to, yes, please come over.

Walking through the house, it really isn’t all that messy.  The kitchen is clean, and other than Avon products strewn across my dining room table, isn’t even cluttered.  I was only worried then about the fact that my now-short hair couldn’t go into a ponytail, but I found a headband and it actually looks rather cute.  To give myself a little burst, I gave myself one squirt of body splash and felt almost immediately better.

I put on jeans.  Better still.  One of my favorite tops.  Even better.  My feet still won’t fit into my shoes, but I jammed a pair of flip flops on and decided that would work.  All of this took less than five minutes.  I timed it.

And then Uncle G came and all was well, all was fine.   We had a really nice conversation and we talked about how it is to be sick for long periods of time and what we can do to make ourselves feel better.  I told him that just changing my clothes was motivating enough that I was going to run out and do a few errands.

So, a phone call and an uncle made my day today.  What’s making yours?

 

Happy Six-Month Birthday, Little Nephew

O —

You turned six months old yesterday and, even though it is cliched, wowza has the time flown!

Perhaps my most dear and precious memory of you is holding you the day after you were born.  You were so tiny, so perfect, and you slept quietly in my arms.  You, in fact, slept for so long that my arm fell asleep from holding you in position and your Grandma had to come rescue you before I dropped you on the floor.

I had not felt as much happiness as I did on that day before or ever since.  The second other happiest time was your mom and dad getting married.  I can still get teary about that.  Your mom, my sister, has brought so much joy into my world just by being herself and living her life, I don’t think she even realizes it.

Your mom keeps me updated with pictures and each one brings about in me an intense longing to be where  you are, wherever you are.  It breaks my heart now, that I haven’t been there for more of those memories.  You’re eating squash and you have your first tooth.  I can see in pictures that you’re going to be crawling any moment.

I think you don’t realize how fast a baby will grow.  Your mom even has you on a sort-of schedule now, and I think she is getting tiny bits of rest here and there.  You know her, though — there is always more she wants to be doing.  She has hit the trail of parenthood running, and I knew it wouldn’t be any other way.

I know you don’t realize it yet, but you are growing up in a great family of love.  Oh, there are so many people that love you, Mr. O.  It kills your grandma that she hasn’t been able to make it back for a couple of months and this whole time I have been sick, one of the main things I think of is that I need to get  better so I can come see you.  And you also have other grandparents, and aunts, and cousins.  They all love you so much and can’t wait to see you more often.

It isn’t easy taking care of a baby, or so it seems, but I want you to know that your mom is doing a bang-up job.  I  have never seen someone more coordinated, more competent, with so much love for you.  No matter what, you’ll always have your mom.  When  you get old enough, make sure she gets the edible peanut butter play dough recipe from Grandma.  There is nothing better.

I write this with tears in my eyes: because I am so happy you are a baby in existence on this Earth, that I can lay special Auntie Rose claim to, and because I wish circumstances were different and I got to see you grow up more.  Just know, Auntie Rose will always be there for you, no matter the time, the day, the event.  I will do my best to be a good aunt for you, Mr. O.  I love you dearly.

Love

Auntie Rose

xoxoxoxo

Making My Resolutions, Mid-Year

Great Expectations is what the Daily Prompt would like us to talk about today.  They also put out another post, which I cannot find, that tells us bloggers that we shouldn’t announce it “like that” when we are getting ready to do a Daily Prompt.  I really don’t see why not, so I’m rolling with it.

So, something I promised myself I’d do by the end of the year, and what progress has been made?  I’m not sure, because this year, I purposely didn’t make any resolutions.  Part of it was feeling so uncertain about what the next year would bring, part of it was laziness, and part of it was because, whenever I make “New Year’s Resolutions,” they always end up going out the window within a week.  Maybe I just set the bar too high.  Don’t know, but at any rate, I don’t have any “pending” resolutions.

But I’m gonna make a couple, and only a couple.

First and foremost, I AM going to get my eating under control.  I may or may not have to stop olanzapine in order to do this, or I may just have to guts it through anyway, but I cannot, simply CANNOT continue on the trend I am on.

I don’t know exactly yet how I am going to do this.  I have thoughts of restricting carbs and cutting out sugar, but I just don’t think I can hack that.  Of course, there’s always portion control, which I am terrible at.  This will be discussed with Goddess of Mindfulness tomorrow.  Part of the big issue right now, is that I am eating foods I love, foods that I haven’t (or didn’t) eaten in a long time, and I’m like a pig as the hog trough’s filled.

My second major (and really, only other) resolution is, by end-of-year, I will have quit smoking again.  Now, I’m not ready to try it right at the moment, but I’ll be getting there.  I’m already tired of all the coughing and not being able to breathe.  I’m getting to that quitting point, slowly, but surely.

If I can do those two things, I’m golden.  I’m not as interested in losing weight, as I am about being healthy.  I’m sure some pounds will be shed, but that’s not what I’m in it for.  I’m in it for increased mobility, increased energy, and for the sake of my health.  I think the smoking part will be a no-brainer at some point in time this year.  I know for sure, it will be a lot easier to quit, without living with someone who smokes.

And as always, here’s Mr. Bob Marley, singing my theme song of the moment: