Choosing To Not Give In

It seems that I have had a string of not-so-great days.  It is odd, because my stress should actually be decreasing, instead of skyrocketing.  I now have hot water, a working septic, and central air conditioning…which I hadn’t had for about a month.  Those little “daily tasks” which were made so difficult by lack of those things, have been made much easier, but my mood has begun to plummet into darkish places, and I’m running in place, trying to stop that downward trend.

In other news that should be reducing my stress level, QoB has decided to stay put right where she’s at, no moving hours away, and one would think THAT would make me feel better.  It doesn’t.  To further decrease my stress level, we don’t have to move into a rental, but she is finding a house that we can afford to buy and I have great credit, such to the point that I can get a mortgage in my name.  Her goal is for us to save money from the point we are paying out right now, in the new place, and still own.  So, it sounds perfect, does it not?  It sounds like all of my really big, fat, ugly stress problems should be gone, doesn’t it?

I know.  Shit.  That’s just not the case.  If anything, my anxiety is more pronounced, and I hate to say this, but my mood is going downhill.  Towards depressed, with increasing agitation and annoyance and irritation and flustery-blustery-yuck.  I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, deal with anyone.  I am able to handle LarBear and the dogs, and that’s about it, other than brief interludes here and there.

I have no desire to do anything for the 4th of July, and if I were going to be frank about it, I’d say that, really, actually, I can’t stand the 4th of July.  Everyone drinking, small fires and explosions everywhere, I hate being outside in the dark, heck, I don’t like being away from home when it is dark outside.  I am afraid of the dark, at 34 years old.  The whole holiday seems entirely too much about alcohol and blowing things up and eating picnic food.  No, thanks.  I am officially done pretending that I like anything about the 4th of July celebrations.  I don’t even want a freaking sparkler or those poppers that you throw on the ground.

In trying to pinpoint where this increase in depressive symptoms, anxiety, and irritability comes from, I have made little progress.  I talked about it with my therapist today, and we think it could just be a cute little bipolar cycle.  Ya know, bipolar, making it’s rounds, duck-duck-duck-GOOSE!  The fact that changes are ahead doesn’t help, but at least they are more manageable changes than what they were going to be.  I mean, yes, LB and I will be moving, but the circumstances are better.  Other than that, much else stays the same.

So, like I said at the beginning, a few bad days does not make a bad life, and a few bad days doesn’t even make a bad episode.  I’m a few days away from this being an actual episode, and maybe I can calm it with enough DBT and Klonopin and ice cream, that it keeps from becoming an actual episode.  I certainly hope so.  I think, what is most disappointing to me, is that I almost had myself convinced that I had this disease whupped, as in, permanently, as in recovery = permanence.

I will keep choosing, every minute if necessary, to not have this rule my life:



Cure for Self-Loathing

Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that everyone hates me, because I am soooo unlikeable.  Recent evidence has come to light that most people actually don’t hate me, and that my perception of other people’s actions or non-actions often don’t have anything to do with me.  The amount of assistance, love, and thoughtfulness I am receiving from others in my life right now makes it really difficult for me to keep up with my personal belief that I am an unlikeable piece of shit.  Go figure.

I went over to the new house yesterday to find some beautiful floors.  QoB and Frog Queen have really been working hard!  I can’t believe how good they look!  I was cussing up a storm, so happy!  Isn’t that weird to cuss up a storm when you’re happy and excited?  Yeah, maybe.  I think I come by it honestly, though.  🙂

I had some much-needed relaxation last night, hanging out with my step-sister and brother-in-law.  We had a little Mexican fiesta, complete with margaritas.  Woot woot!  It was really nice to hang out with them because, between our schedules, we don’t see a lot of each other.  And it was nice to do something fun and relaxing.  Looking forward to more of that in the future!  Just gotta get moved, now!

So I’ve really been working hard with the dogs on their separation anxiety and overall anxiety.  I have been giving them bones, which, amazingly enough, Kizzie has not been burying!  That’s why I hadn’t been giving bones for so long, but it turns out that Kizzie has turned over a new leaf and is actually enjoying them  now, rather than letting them rot in the ground and then digging them up six months later, all disgusting and wormy.  Let’s just say that isn’t something you really want in your house.  Yuck!

My plans for today are to bring some boxes of stuff over to the new house, sort through a bunch of clothes and donate them (or at least get them in the car so I can drop them off tomorrow), and then vacuum the house I am living in now.  It has gotten pretty dirty.  Not disgusting, just lots of dirt and leaves and bamboo that the dogs have tracked in.  I am hopeful that it won’t be such a problem at the new house, because the area that will be fenced will be much more manageable to keep cleaned up and free of yard debris (much smaller).

My stress level has been slowly lowering over the past few days.  I know I had my little breakdown on Friday, but overall it has been better.  I had realized that I was only getting about six hours average of sleep over the past year (there’s a counter on my CPAP), and I had thought I was getting much more.  Now I am taking care to go to bed a little bit earlier and sleep in a little later.  I feel better already!!

Today is St. Ignatius Loyala’s feast day, so Dad and I are going to mass this evening to celebrate.  Dad says we can call him Iggy, since he was a Jesuit and I went to a Jesuit college.  Not so sure about that, but it will be nice to get back to church.  I have missed the last few weeks due to the hectic schedule of moving and I have really missed it.  Need to figure out here within the next month where I am going to RCIA classes.  There are a few more churches I want to check out, but my heart is already pretty set on one that I have already been to.  We shall see, though.

A tribute to QoB and Frog Queen:

Barenaked Ladies, If I Had $100,000,000


Snap Out of It

I have had several good days in a row, so I am thinking that the mixed state is passing.  Finally.  I attribute it to spending time with people I love, talking.talking.talking with Dr. Love, getting the houses in order, and therapy.  It has really been a turning of the mind.  Sometimes you just have to “act as if.”

As I mentioned, the houses are coming together.  We heard back from the appraiser on the old house and it is not being valued at nearly what we think it should be.  If we sell now, we wouldn’t get back the investment and work we have put into it, so we’re not selling.  We are going to rent for now, and hope that the market gets better someday and we can sell.

QoB, Big Dog, Dr. Love, and I are headed to the old house to spruce it up a little and make it more rent-able.  We are going to put in some quarter-round in a few places that need it, caulk the bathroom, and lay new linoleum in the bathroom.  I’m sure we’ll come up with a few other projects, too, but that’s where we’re starting.  QoB and Big Dog both say we won’t be there all afternoon and night, so that’s positive.  I’ve been getting burned out on the non-stop working.

We took yesterday afternoon off and I got a lot accomplished at the new house.  I also took a nap, which was much needed.  Even though I have been getting plenty of sleep, I’ve felt so very tired.  I attribute it to all of the hard work and busy-ness of the last few weeks.  That, and the heat.  The heat just sucks it right out of you and we have been in a heat advisory for the past couple of weeks, maybe longer.  It has been a very hot summer.

It seems that Kizz is liking and adjusting well to her new food.  I am still mixing it with the old, but I noticed today that she had picked all of the new food out and left the old.  Guess she is trying to tell me she is ready to make the switch completely.  She is soooo getting a bath this weekend, even if it kills us.  She ended up with a hot-spot by her tail but it is getting better.  Really have to keep an eye on that dog with her itchy skin or she’d be bald.

The anniversary of Grandpa’s death is coming up later this month.  I do miss him but I have come a long way in accepting his death and coming to terms.  I am not saying that I won’t be affected and am not being affected, I am just saying that it is easier to deal with and that is a good thing.

Things for Dr. Love and I have been going really fabulously.  We are communicating, spending quality time together, and really enjoying each other’s company.  I think it is safe to say that we are through the rough patch and are moving on to higher ground, safe from flood waters of despair and despondency.

Basically, life as I know it is good, and even when the tough moments get a-going, I am able to pull myself out.  Just put some ice on it, ok?

Little old school throw-back:

City High, What Would You Do

Sometimes All it Takes

I have really felt crappy for the last few weeks.  Yes, I know, I’m in the middle of moving so that shouldn’t really be surprising.  Change is hard.

I have been avoiding going back to the old house because part of me knew I just couldn’t deal with it.  In addition to moving stress, I’ve also been experiencing some relationship stress and work stress.  Nothing that isn’t being handled, but still.

I went over today with Dr. Love, anticipating the worst.  We are possibly putting the house on the market in about two weeks and I just KNEW that we had left it all trashed out.  I was freaking out about how we were going to get it ready in time.

I was wrong.

There is not stuff everywhere.  There is not trash and garbage strewn everywhere.  The floors are not really dirty, the kitchen is clean, the bathroom is manageable.

I obviously have a very vivid imagination, because I was preparing myself like I was going to walk into a crack house or something.

It even smelled good.  Hmph!

As I looked around the old house, I started to feel sad.  I miss all of my pretty things and my familiar things and my comfortable things.  I miss having a space that is nice and cozy and mine.

I bawled my damn head off.  Dr. Love didn’t get it.

I love the house we are in the process of moving into, but 40 years worth of my godparents’ stuff is in it.  I have no living room, I have no couches, no comfortable place to land.  The bedroom furniture isn’t mine.  The bathroom upstairs is pretty rad (thanks to lotsa work by QoB and The Bird Lady a few years ago), but it is missing my fish pictures and most of the beauty crap (that I never use, but always keep around).

The old house is painted in bright cheery colors and, really, the walls here seem darker.  It is a totally different style of house than what I am used to.

I have no doubt that I can make it my own, but I’ve done the damage I can do to it until we can get the rest of the things in here moved out.

Until then, I’ll just remain homesick, rattled, and ever aware of the tiny little changes this has all created in my routine.

Imogen Heap, Hide and Seek II

The Grumpies

Life has been pretty stressful lately.  We are in the midst of moving out of our little house into a much bigger house.  The new house is my godmother and godfather’s house that they had lived in for about 40 years until recently.  My godmother passed about a year ago and about three months ago, my godfather had a fall and then a stroke and is no longer able to live independently.

I love living in this house, don’t get me wrong.  However, we have not had the estate sale and all of their belongings (40 years worth) are cluttered here and there and the living room is full of boxes.  We don’t have any of our own furniture here, either.  The bed we are sleeping on is comfortable and brand-new, so that’s not an issue, but we have such comfy couches at the old house and I can’t wait to get them over there and get my big new living room set up with the gas fireplace.  It feels like home, in a way, because I spent so much time here growing up,  but I am ready to have much less clutter.

I have been going through a sort of mixed state lately.  I am attributing it to a complete lack of sleep, which leads to crappy eating, which just leads to more misery.  Work has also been really stressful lately and hopefully that will get better coming up after two meetings I have with Administration next week.  It has just been a lot to get ready for.

Matt and I have been going through a kind of rough time lately.  We have problems communicating and sometimes aren’t able to tell each other when one pisses the other off or hurts their feelings, etc.  We had a talk a little over a week ago and I was almost positive we were going to break up.  But, we’re not and we’re working on it.  Things have been better since.

So, house stress, work stress, relationship stress.  It is even affecting my digestive system.  I just want things to be back to normal, predictable.