The Biggest Gift I Could Receive from Divorcing Parents

I have been doing better here lately, there is no doubt about that.  Unfortunately, over the last week or so, I have started to do things like, a) not be able to sleep or b) cry uncontrollably for hours on end, and c) deal with suicidal ideation.  The sleep has been better in the past three days and I am hoping it stays that way because that just makes it all the more difficult.

Holiday times have always been important in my immediate family.  There have always been big lunches and dinners and the tallest Christmas tree that can be found and cookie baking and house decorating and prepping recipes and menus for days on end.  I mean, they were huge for us.  This year has been a stark reminder of just how upside-down life is right now.

For one thing, there is no QoB and Big Dawg.  They won’t even talk to each other, nevertheless see each other.  I mean, I guess I should have seen this coming, but they absolutely hate each other, if the words they say are true.  Words that I am pretty sure I don’t want to listen to but end up hearing all the (fucking) time anyway.

I don’t think they understand how devastating that is, to your child, to disparage your soon-to-be ex-husband or ex-wife in front of said child.  No matter that this child is 33 years old and Ab is 32.  There was all this drama in the beginning and then they were both adamant that I be kept out of it.

It is slowly creeping back in.  I understand (not really) that they can’t stand each other, but they both need to keep the shitty remarks, comments, insults, etc out of my face.  And its not one doing it more than the other, although Mom is trying harder not to do it around me.  But as with anything, you inadvertently get either of them on a roll, and it’s all downhill (for me) from there.  No one wants to bash their mom or their dad.  If the parents want to, then they need to call a friend or find a therapist.  Actually, they could both use a therapist at this point, and that is me being generous, because they both really needed one long ago.

So what am I to do?  Well, the correct answer should be — support your parents while they are going through this hard time.  And you know, I can still in a lot of ways, but in some ways I can’t.  At different times, they are so upset that they can’t even be in the same room with me, nevertheless talk with me or even text over the phone.  Ok then, there goes two major supporters.  The two peop;le that have been there for me all my fucking life, now as if they have disappeared off the face of the Earth at times.

And that’s not to say they don’t try, because they do.  But they are both in such a bad place, both so unhappy, angry, anxious, stressed, heartbroken that they aren’t always able to be there and I really do get that.

Frankly, I can’t handle this level of stress in my life.  Even when they keep it to themselves, which is definitely not all the time, I am just barely making it.  I am letting household duties fall by the wayside, I am not practicing my DBT skills well or often enough, and all I want to do is distract, distract, distract.  In fact, I have pretty much distracted since August of this year, right before my birthday, when things really started getting ugly.

So, no, I don’t want my parents to get back together.  I want them to TRY to heal instead of being stubborn and thinking they can do everything on their own.  I want them to take the advice they would give me in the same situation.  I want there to be more common sense and less anger.  Maybe even a bit of being polite — I do see a tiny bit of it from both parties.

But more than anything, I really don’t want to hear anymore negative speeches, from one about the other.  No more snide remarks, comments, jokes.  I am your daughter, and I deserve that much respect.

Late Night Musings with Rosa 12.20

Perhaps my favorite video of Tom Petty singing my favorite acoustic version of “Walls.”  This has been a weekend so far, of thinking.  Good things have happened, bad things have happened, and I need time to reflect.

Right now I am taking things in, because I notice that I have not been noticing life around me as I should.  I have not been being mindful and I have not been introspective.  I have been selfish with my needs and wants, yet overly helpful to those around me — often reaching out further than I really should, and perhaps what they needed me to.

This little thing called life that is going on right now, this piece of the puzzle, this particular scratch in the record — it will pass.  It must.  It must.  It must.  What lies over the horizon I can’t even begin to predict, and I know that is part of what is killing me bit by bit.  I am a planner and an organizer and I want to know what is going to happen when and with who and (sometimes) the why or how of it.

All of this uncertainty, from things as small (ha!) as what do for Christmas as to if I will still miss DSB and not want to get my heart broken again in the new year to what my nephew will be like as he grows from a baby into a toddler to if I will ever be able to lose the weight I want to lose.

And when?  And how?  And why?

It occurs to me now, as I sit typing this, how I have once again slipped into willfulness and am not letting mindfulness and patience and simple observation take me down the path I was meant to be on.  I am trying to control things that I have no control over, I am trying to change things that cannot or will not change, I am beating my head against a brick wall and wondering why I have a headache.

When I feel really bad, as I have for the last while (but not so much anymore), I tend to stop doing all of the things that make me feel better and that make me the Rosa that people like to be around.  I don’t particularly think that I am that Rosa right now to all people, but I know I am really enjoying my dad and my sister.

I fully admit that I can be hard to be around, that I can be too intense or too sad or anxious or too demanding.  Not everyone sees it that way, however; I can think of two people right off the top of my head that I intrinsically know don’t feel that way, that want my company.

But does that ever happen to you?  That important people in your life seem to want to take a break from you?  Does this mean that the love or friendship or whatever it is, is not there unconditionally?  Or does it mean that this is just people being human?  Or does it mean that you have overstepped your bounds somewhere, and this is all your fault?

I think the answers to all of this are:  “who knows” and “all you can do is improve yourself and change for the better.”  Goddess of Mindfulness has a funny idea about all of this, that she has been sharing with me since I was a teenager.  It is often the people that are messed up AND seeking help who are the most balanced, the most introspective, the most thoughtful, the most likely to change ill habits.

So here I am, “the crazy one” in a sea of “normal people” and I am by far acting the most sane.  That’s just how it is here in Topeka, Kansas.  App;arently I haven’t been drinking the water, because I don’t currently have the crazy.  But that doesn’t mean I am not actively every day seeking to improve and feel better and be more stable and independent.

The hardest thing for me to see is a person I care about suffering, who will not utilize the help that is available to them.  People have to really REALLY want to change in order to change almost every behavior or circumstance, and I am baffled when peop;le who are adamant with me that I seek help, won’t seek it themselves.  Because “that’s different.”  Well, no, it’s really not.

In closing, you do not need to be mentally ill to seek assistance and ask your friends/relations/neighbors/;pastor/anyone for help; in getting through what you need to get through.

I would like to remind that while this post is written as a general musing, it can easily be directed at many in my life.  I am purposely not calling anyone out on the rug, but I want people to think.

If you need help, ask for it.  It will almost always be given, in some form or another.  You do not have to suffer alone and in silence.

 

 

 

Evil Squirrel’s Blaze (she’s a’ caroling!)

Do please come in and meet Blaze, my Christmas prize from Evil Squirrel’s Holiday Cards in which several around the blogosphere received hand-drawn pictures of his characters.  Totally appropriate that I get Blaze, considering the pink and red of her outfit, and the fact that she is caroling whereas I sing in the shower, the car, and anywhere else I think I can get away with it.  Go check out Evil. Squirrel’s page RIGHT NOW and you will not be disappointed.  There is always something every day to make you laugh!

Blaze

Crackling Like a Live Wire

You may or may not have noticed, but I dropped out of Reverb.  The prompts were good, the prompts were fine, but there is just so much daily bull shit going on right now that I feel I can barely keep my head above water.

The divorce seems to get more painful and exhausting for my mom as time wears on.  I am doing my best not to get in the middle and they are doing a. good job of not putting me there, but its hard to see her so defeated.  She won’t let me around her, in fact, when she is upset, so I spend a lot of time getting avoided.  I get it, really do.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

My anxiety has been sky high the last several weeks.  It decreased for awhile, but is now back in full force.  I am still not smoking or using lozenges or the patch, and have decided to try and address my problems with binge eating.  I had thought of doing weight loss surgery, but with the habits I have, it would just be dangerous.  My thought is, work on the problem behavior with the thought that maybe someday I can do the surgery.  What I really want, though, is to lose weight in any way possible so that I can stop being that fat girl and move on with my life.

I have a friend I am trying to get back in touch with.  I have been thinking about it a lot lately and went ahead and tried to make contact today.  It was a bit of an awkward situation on my end when we stopped (inadvertently almost) atlking to each other last, and I am hoping that he can look past that and we can be friends again.

Promises that this blog will move onto bigger and better things in the near future — it only seems like there is a lot of bellyaching going on about petty little stuff.  Yep, I know…. I’m sick of it, too.

#reverb14 Day Eight: Connection

untitled (3)

The hectic pace of our lives can make it difficult to remain connected

to the things and the people that matter the most to us.

We get wrapped up in our work or our busyness and connection falls by the wayside.

How have you created and/or sustained connections in your life this year?

For me, my family comes first and it likely always will.  When I was in the two-year relationship with DSB, I didn’t see much of my family.  He wanted me to make him my priority.  To throw away my family and just be with him.  Getting DSB out of my life in April of this year, I learned an extremely valuable lesson.  To please him, I had in many ways forsaken my family.  I stopped going over to Mom’s, I didn’t talk with my sister as much, I barely saw Dad, and wouldn’t let anyone (except Mom) into the house.  Never again.  My family is too important to me to let that happen again.  So when DSB and I disconnected, it was time to reconnect with family, and what a year for that this has been.

I have never been closer to my sister, Ab.  We talk regularly, sometimes three or four or even five times a week.  We text, we email, we  call each other.  She always stops by to see me when she is in town with Kyle and Baby O, even if it’s just for a few minutes.  We make plans for me to come hop and visit more often.  Ab is likely one of the busier people I know, but she always makes time for me, no matter what the situation.

Dad and I have developed a special bond this year, as well.  With Mom’s attentions needed more on the divorce and the business and her own life as she knows it, Dad has stepped up and become a primary support player.  He is always happy to take me to an appointment and has been there through the up and down of bipolar disorder, including a hospitalization and several major depressive episodes, with some mixed and mania thrown in.  We talk at least once a day, usually more, and we get together three to four times a week.  I grew up with Dad being a parent in absentia and now he is fully (and happily) present in my life.

Mom and I have always been close and we remain so even with the chaos and drama going on in our neck of the woods right now.  If I could say one of the things I am most happy for this year, is that I have (mostly) been in a place where I could offer her support instead of always just taking support.  Not to say I don’t need my Madre, because I do, but it’s just nice to be able to help, as well as be helped.

Over the past year, since NaBloPoMo 2013, actually, I have developed many blog friendships and now have a good number of people I consider as a friend.  Additionally, I have made a few extra special friendships and I would have to say that I consider these women to be the closest friends I have ever had, offline or online.  The beauty of becoming friends with a blogger you admire is that you generally have an overwhelming amount in common, and so there is much to talk about.

So connecting, reconnecting, strengthening connections — YES, check!

Text, phone, email, messaging, in person, send a carrier pigeon — YES, these all work… and must be used… the key to connecting IS communication!

#reverb14 Day Four: Take Good Care

Reverb BB (2)

We are all lightning rods, conduits for that which

the Universe wants born into this world.

What energies did you channel this year?

As in many years, perhaps every year since I realized I was not going to “beat” the mental illnesses I live with, or even “ignore them into in in-existence,” I spent 2014 “taking care:”  Taking care means a variety of things.  It means I slip-slide from preventing symptoms to managing symptoms to minimizing symptoms to just white-knuckling it.

Taking care, for me, means staying on a time schedule, making sure days are structured, taking medications, attending doctor’s appointment after appointment, keeping up with my physical and emotional health, setting good boundaries, and many other things.

It often means sacrificing what I really *want* to do for what I *must* in order to stay well.  This was especially true when I was younger, as in I couldn’t (without extreme consequences) go out and party all night or drink excessively (without mood shifts and worse).

I have tasted the freedom and joy and peace, however briefly, that comes with a period of markedly fewer symptoms.  If you have lived a life of hell, and are then introduced to a world where the ground is steady under your feet, you will do whatever possible to keep that state going.  That being said, I am highly motivated to do what it takes to find evenness in life, to find a balance, and to sort out the rest of the world when I get there..