Salvageable

I have not blogged much lately, and that is mainly because I have been doing a lot of really not feeling good, with stomach issues that have been present since late March/early April.  The local doctors have no idea what’s wrong, so Mom and my insurance case manager are going to work at getting me into the big, fancy specialty place in the big city.  Mom says, “so no more worrying now.”

Along with not feeling good, the only things that have sparked my thoughts to put on this blog are things that I don’t want (potentially) everyone to see.  I’m not doing much during the day, my brain isn’t working right, and I’ve only been to work one day in the last week.  Thank God for supportive parents as your employer.

But when it all comes down to is, I really don’t want to stop blogging.  There are things I wish I could post about without sounding like a whiny brat, and there are things I wish I could post about when someone is a real asshole.  I just need to get around these things, maybe start doing therapy again.  Write my “to-burn-later” letters, just let go of some of these bad feelings.

 

 

Ten Things of Thankful, The “Week Off” Edition

In the past, I have written gratitude posts on a weekly basis for “Ten Things of Thankful.”  I quit doing that after awhile because I thought I wanted to give it a go by myself, and then I foolishly thought my focus was different and special and started “Building a Life Worth Living.”  And then I lost my focus, and I am back to the beginning.

Knowing “Building a Life Worth Living” was never going to go anywhere (although there is another blogger in the sphere who might pick it up), I’ve decided to return to “Ten Things of Thankful,” and have seen a lot of really great posts on it lately.

So, to participate in TToT, write a list of ten things you were thankful for or that were particularly awesome in the past week.  Click here to link-up with Liz at Considerings and your happy little post will be shared around the blogosphere.  Have fun!

1) I can’t remember if I mentioned it on the blog (although I know I have on FB), but I had Sunday thru Thursday off from work and it was WONDERFUL.  I caught up on sleep, TV, and with friends.  I did a ton of laundry and cleaned some neglected areas of the house.  I feel like I accomplished quite a bit, although there is always more to do.

2) In related news, I was able to go to the big city on Thursday and spend ALL DAY with Baby O.  I fed him and helped with his bath and he even let me hold him, but just a little.  It was a good day all in all.

3)  My dad and uncle are in Colorado on vacation, and Dad called to let me know they survived a scary and intense drive up and down part of Pike’s Peak.  They are both afraid of heights and Dad said, now that he’d done it, he didn’t think they’d do it again.  While I find this somewhat amusing, I am really glad they are ok.

4) Put up 12 PINTS of grape jelly (picked right off my own property) with help of my dad’s wife.  We had a lot of fun and I’ll have several Christmas presents to hand out, especially considering I don’t like grape jelly…like, at all.

5) Was sooooo very hungry yesterday morning, with little in the house but coffee, and I found a box of Shredded Mini Wheats that was only partially stale.  I know that sounds gross, but…hungry!

6) Able to speak with Goddess of Mindfulness for a bit yesterday.  Seems that other than a few little glitches, things overall are pretty good.  We have been doing a system where I leave her messages and she reads my blog, and I let her know when I want to speak with her or sometimes she will call or email me based on what she has read or heard.  It seems to be a pretty good system.

7) Big stack of paperwork to sort and file, and receipts to catalogue and put in Excel, waiting for me when I got back to work.  Job security!

8)  The busy season is pretty much over for now, so I am happy everyone is getting a little extra time off to do what they want to do.  Busy season ends always right before (or sometimes slightly after…yikes) people seem like they’re going to snap.

9)  Thank goodness for Medicare and Medicaid.  I start Medicare in October, and will have an increased number of doctors and specialists I can see.  And the Medicaid will pick up the remainder of the bill.  The best part of this is that I will have coverage for my CPAP again!

10) We are getting a lot of rain, and that will mean beautiful color on leaves during autumn.  Really must do a scenic drive of some sort!

 

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True to Self

Disappointment

Being true to who we are, being who we are, may be difficult if we are concerned that our true selves will disappoint another person.  In the past, I spent quite a bit of time weaving tales so that those around me wouldn’t see who I truly was, and be disappointed.

We know what is expected of us from a young age, or at least a certain amount of us do.  We know the basics, the “norms” of our family and culture.  We, to a degree, know what our parents expect from us, even perhaps those things they won’t readily admit to expecting.  Behaviors and events and reactions paint a picture, and often it is all too clear just what that parent expects.

And as our world moves away from our nuclear unit, perhaps even our culture, we begin to see what “society” expects, what relationships expect, what our boss, our roommate, our out-of-town boyfriends expect.

I learned early into my venture, that what I wanted was simply not possible.  The life I wanted to lead, not possible, living with out-of-control bipolar disorder.  And I did a lot of crazy things, made a lot of bad decisions, but always told a lie that did not coincide with who I was at the core to spare the disappointment of people I loved.

Not, that is to say, that they didn’t see right through me.  Here we are over ten years later, and sometimes, when I start to get sick, I start telling those lies again, or I stay silent.  And often, when I am just in a space of feeling bad, which can last for days or can be intermittent throughout the day like a dying lightbulb, I am likely to gloss it over and not talk about what is bothering me.  “I’m fine!”

I tell fewer lies about the real truth of myself now, than I ever have.  I think I’m becoming more comfortable with me, but I think also, that I am beginning to learn that I can’t compromise who I am for the comfort of someone I care about.  I may disappoint, I may hurt, but I am me.

Permission to Be Happy

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Or how about this — how about stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to control smile, worth, and attitude?  To shame and to increase self-blame and to think ever-so-lowly of oneself?  To stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to make all of Rosa so damn miserable?  To stop all the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the negative string of tapes that play inside the head?  To just stop it?

I am my own worst critic — always have been, probably always will be.  My mom has been saying it for years, as well as Goddess of Mindfulness, and I get that comment in this blog often.  I let the dark side of me rule the rest of me, until I am all dark, nothing I do is right, and I am a failure at everything.

Now, sometimes I can rise above all this.  Sometimes I can see that I’m being too hard on myself or that I need to give myself some credit.  I’m not always miserable, and so much of me has become accustomed to that negative tape in my head, that it’s not always so unbearably loud.  But it’s always there.  I don’t think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make it go completely away.  I just have to keep learning how to silence it slowly.

I want to give myself permission to be happy, and I think I am doing that more and more these days.  I am letting myself have friends without that deep fear of rejection.  I am connecting with my sister in such a strong and profound way.  I have Baby O and all his amazingness in my life — he makes me want to be a better person.  I am letting myself be open and honest with my parents, about my needs, my wants, my wishes.

It is a work in progress, but more and more I cede control to the side of Rosa that is standing in the light.  To the side that is resilient and beautiful and happy and hopeful.  Deep in the darkness, it is hard to find that side, but she is there all along.

God Bless the Rice Steamer and my Crock-Pot

When DSB and I were together, we (or rather, I) would cook home-made dinner ever night.  There was always meat, there was always a starch, and there was usually a vegetable.  And nine times out of ten, I made gravy from scratch.  When we did actually eat breakfast (maybe twice a week), DSB would whip up pancakes or french toast or who-knew-what.  The point being, is that we cooked much much more often than we ate out.

Now here I am, single lady, and I don’t miss cooking one bit.  I do, however, miss the food.  When I’m not eating fast food (which is far too often), I’m eating pre-made meals and dinner at other people’s houses.  I need to stop eating fast food, for my health AND my pocketbook, so I’ve been scoping around the Internet today and realized that I have really, the only two tools you need to make a fine meal, with minimal effort:  rice steamer and crock-pot.

You also can’t put down the value of a good microwave.  And I’ve had friends say a toaster oven is the way to go.  I am working with what I have and will likely be trying to avoid the microwave, as the things I put in it are generally full of salt, and my lower appendages are swollen like melons.

I’m still having those durn stomach problems too, pretty much no matter whether I eat fast food or dinner at Mom’s or dinner at Dad’s or pre-packaged whatever.  Or even not eating at all.  Doesn’t seem to matter.

But I’m ready for winter-foods that I can put in my crock pots and for things I can steam in my rice cooker, as well as, yes, more rice!  I think I may be over Ramen, although it’s unclear, but I have been so tired and sleepy lately, I think I am vitamin deficient and I think changing the way I am eating could help my budget (definitely), my health (for sure), and my sanity (probably).

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And who doesn’t like a little buttered rice? :)

Building Rome, Revisited

It has been since my birthday on August 11th since I have participated in Building Rome (which is brought to us by Green Embers, and you can get started here).  Building Rome focuses on small goals that lead to big goals, and I must admit, I have been lacking in the goal department here lately.  Sure, there are things to do, but they all seem so big and insurmountable.  I thought it might do me some good to spell things out every week again, in a relaxed and simple manner.

I won’t be reporting on the last week’s goals, because I am looking for a clean start.  They were too complex, too big, too whatever.  Instead, I’m going to review my top “Do or Die” goals and then end with new goals.

Rosa’s Do or Die Goals:

1) Take care of all  Kizzie’s needs, including play with Kizzie every day for at least 30 minutes.   I am failing horribly at this one, especially at the playing with Kizzie card.  That, and she went one 12-hour period without food, because I just didn’t notice.  Story of my life at this point.

2) Hygiene/Self-Care.  I am struggling with this.  Instead of showering every day, I am showering when I know I really need to.  I am, however, keeping my hair clean on a daily basis.  I have some very rough patches on my feet that really should be taken care of, and I am not using lotion like I should, and that really drags me down.  I do need to take better care of my body — its almost like I feel I don’t deserve it.

3) Take all medications as prescribed.  To a “T.”

 4) Eat healthfully.  Some days are better than others, but mostly, I just suck.

Rosa’s Goals Week of 9/1/2014

1) Keep taking Wellbutrin in attempt to quit smoking September 13th.  Continue cutting back and doing what I can to minimize the fallout when I actually do quit.

2) Get back to reading again.  Even if it is just 15/min per day, that would be better than nothing.

3) Do one nice self-care thing for myself every day, no matter how much I think I don’t deserve it.

4) Blog more regularly.  I have been blogging about once a week and really do miss it.  I need to stop flailing and start doing.

Astonishing Light

I am lonely, I am anxious, and have had a very different last week.  But, as Goddess of Mindfulness and Dad both pointed out, I rocked it.

The Big Dawg, QoB, and Rock were all out of town this past week at a water garden conference.  Big-time conference, lots of networking, lots of learning, lots of  fun (hopefully).  They left myself and Blue Cat in charge of the two stores, for the most part.

I think Blue Cat and I were fairly nervous for most of the week, especially when it came to dealing with pond customers.  I was better at saying, “we’re really not sure” and explaining the situation and that it would be better to come back next week.  Blue Cat was intent on just “handling” everything.  Sometimes that’s not the best approach, but sometimes it works.  I just hope he didn’t feed any irreversible information to anyone.

It was fairly slow, but we did bring in some money.  I was in charge of deposits, which I am used to, but I am used to someone telling me when to do one, and then just doing it.  I was also in charge of making sure we had enough money  hanging around to make change and therein lies a delicate balance.

So I’ve been beating myself up since Friday that I didn’t go to the bank and get more fives and tens.  My coin situation was fairly fine — I knew there would be a bank run on Monday, but I’m not sure there were enough fives and tens to last through today.  I never heard about it, so I’m assuming all was fine.  What a lot of lonely worrying I spent on that!

I also beat myself up, because I was supposed to not let the cash reserve get too high, and I failed to count Wednesday, and on Thursday we were double over what we are supposed to hold.  I made a frantic bank run on Thursday morning and am just hoping I’m not going to get lectured about my oversight.  All’s well that ends well, right?

These things have been eating me up all week, and I have convinced myself in my head that I am not competent to do the things I was asked to do.  Hold that thought right there, though, Rosa.

This past week:

1) I didn’t complain.  Not about working longer hours or about helping out with chores at Mom’s.  Did I somewhat dread doing chores because I made jokes about spilling entire gallons of water onto myself?  Yes.  Did I complain?  No.  When people are away, they need to hear that everything is fine.  And it was.  Completely.

2) I kept the dogs a little bit of company off and on throughout the week.  In my mind, that would help them be less neurotic when the folks got home, and hopefully it worked to a degree.  As Mom said, I had a little “staycation” in which I got to drink crushed ice and water from the fridge and put my feet up for a little while before doing chores.  It was actually quite nice to be away from the ensuing mess at home.

3) Speaking of the ensuing mess at home, I didn’t let myself get too bothered by it.  I knew I would get the chance to address it, but when I got home from doing work and chores, I was exhausted.  There is nothing wrong with ignoring a small pile of dishes or a mounting hill of laundry (as long as you still have clean underwear).

4) Today I got some feedback from Mom and as she says, if something got really messed up, we’ll deal with the fallout later.  I have been freaked out all week that we’re almost out of goldfish.  Talk about things that you can’t control.

5) I managed to get my colonoscopy and upper GI done on Friday, while Snickers and Blue Cat held down the fort.  I felt sick all day, so didn’t do much other than animal chores (which Dad helped with, hallelujah!) but I was ok with that.  I know I need to get better, physically.

So after typing this all out, and affirming that my mental health is intact (other than anxiety which is an all-the-time-thing ), I have to stop and say to myself:

Rosa — practice some self-compassion and you will get there.

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